Ashes To Ashes, Dust To Dust
MMP: Dearly beloved, and Clint, we are gathered here today to pay the final respects of Ramon Guadelupe “Footsteps” Falco. Falco, though unassuming, was one of the charter contributors to this fine piece of contemporary literature. As fate would have it, his tenure and work were ravaged by ailments that, to this day, remain mysterious to us all. We don’t know why Falco was taken from us, he just kinda disappeared like a blonde tourist in Aruba. Was it cancer, syphilis, or maybe just an unhealthy obsession with his commemorative state quarters collection? We may never know.
Flubby would now like to say a few words.
Flubby: I would?
MMP: C’mon dude, it’s for Falco.
Flubby: [rolls eyes] Fine. [clears throat] Falco died, as so many of his generation, before his time. In your wisdom you took him, Lord. As you took so many bright flowering young men, at Khe San and Lan Doc and Hill 364. Falco was a shining example of changing with the times and remaining relevant. How many other people could become an NFL internet wiseacre of considerable renown after a successful pop-music career that culminated in his global smash hit “Rock Me Amadeus.” Once in Marrakesh, Falco and I were discussing the Hegelian dialectic when he remarked—-
MMP: Flub, this is the guy that used to blog with us, not the Austrian one-hit wonder.
Flubby: Really? He’s not the same dude as the singer? You’re sure?
MMP: Pretty sure, bro.
Flubby: Fuck me. You think you know a guy…
Ape: Yeah, I joined the site after he had already gone MIA, so I have little to no recollection.
Unsilent: Right, I think he only did one post that wasn’t a team preview.
Ufford: Maybe he’ll come back from the dead again, like he did for the opening day Pittsburgh bukkake.
MMP: Dicks. [sighs] And so, Ramon…Guadalupe…Falco, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your mortal remains to the bosom of the short men’s room urinal in Penn Station, which, for no tangible reason, we suspect you loved so well.
Goodnight, sweet prince.
Drew: I hope he’s not actually dead, because that would make all our jokes about him being dead really awkward.
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Kissing Suzy Kolber 
February 16, 2007 at 8:22 pm
best fucking thing I’ve read all day.
“Ramon Guadelupe.”
holy hell I’m dying.
seriously, it’s a joke that he’s on the list over at DeadOn, right?
has anyone considered the fact that he was actually Keanu?
think about it…
February 16, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Any metal bands go up in flame lately?
February 16, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Haha….I vote Falco Meast of the Year.
February 16, 2007 at 8:33 pm
GOD, I love ‘The Big Lebowski’. I’m reminded of this for 5,392,492nd time…
February 16, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Hopefully Flaco and Anna Nicole Smith are taking a sunset beach ride on Barbaro in heaven–
What a beautiful mental picture. It will stick with you forever.
February 16, 2007 at 8:44 pm
If Anna Nicole made it to heaven, I … still have a lot of work to do.
February 16, 2007 at 8:55 pm
I like to picture Anna Nicole in Hell being forced to watch reruns of Quite Frankly with the one and only Stephen A. Smith.
February 16, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Ramon!!! “Mis habeos de pesca la cocina!!!”
February 16, 2007 at 9:12 pm
“Yea, and God said on to Abraham, ‘You will kill your son Isaac’. And Abraham said, ‘I can’t hear you, You’ll have to speak into the microphone.’ And God said, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Is this better? Check, Check, Check. Jerry pull the high end out I’m, getting some hiss back here.'”
February 16, 2007 at 9:22 pm
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
February 16, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Boy are your faces going to be red when Falco’s little sister finally gets off the phone and he can dial back on to the net.
February 16, 2007 at 9:33 pm
RE: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/63/Falco_Grab.jpg
Christ, even his gravesite is queer lookin’. Great songwriter, though.
February 16, 2007 at 9:39 pm
Flubby, what the fuck does anything have to do with Vietnam, man!!!??
February 16, 2007 at 9:50 pm
So if there’s no corpse, what’d you guys stick in the casket?
February 16, 2007 at 9:57 pm
Nicely played, Unitard. Nicely played.
I’ve been forced to use Falco’s final resting place before — and yes, nothing quite takes the feces-and-hobo aroma of a Penn Station men’s room to the next level like getting piss blownback on your ankles — and I’ll look forward to paying him a tribute the next time I’m there.
Unless there’s a cigarette butt in the urinal. Then, of course, I’ll be obligated to play Sink the Nazi Submarine.
February 16, 2007 at 9:58 pm
even the sun goes down
heroes eventually die
horoscopes often lie
and sometime why
nothin’ is for sure
nothin’ is for certain
nothin’ lasts forever…
February 16, 2007 at 10:23 pm
um, why hang around port authority when you can go across the street to port 41? granted we had to choke a weirdo with a pool cue but they do have free hot dogs.
February 16, 2007 at 10:40 pm
otto, sink the nazi submarine, that left me in stitches, I’ll never piss in a train station/dive bar in manhattan urinal without thinking of that.
If Falco was around more often there may have been too many entangling alliances, and then the Archduke might get assassinated and then the whole world would go to war, and we wouldn’t want that.
February 16, 2007 at 11:00 pm
Glad to embiggen your life, bigricks.
Just be sure not to make the “arooga!” siren noise and shout out “Dive! Dive!” as you’re doing it. For some reason, that makes people stare.
February 16, 2007 at 11:51 pm
I, for one, didn’t know “Footsteps” Falco in life, but only in death, and only as a guy who wrote about a Baltimore Raven getting stabbed. In that vein, I wish to honor Falco’s everlasting memory by stabbing Jonathan Ogde in the left hamstring.
Why Ogden, you ask? Oh, he knows why.
February 17, 2007 at 4:36 am
fenwayfaithful, calling him FLACO instead of Falco makes the whole Ramon Guadelupe thing perfect.
Footsteps, I did not know ye, but apparently people cared enough about you to make fun of you behind your back at all times.
I wonder if Falco will feel like that guy who quit Boys II Men before they blew up.
What an EE-DEE-OT!!
February 17, 2007 at 5:46 pm
Did you guys put him in a Folger’s can?
February 17, 2007 at 7:52 pm
Dibs on Falco’s contributor roll
Too soon?
February 17, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Otto: why would people stare? that’s a pefectly cromulent thing to do.
February 19, 2007 at 12:14 am
I’m not dearly beloved?
February 19, 2007 at 1:01 am
I maintain, that Footsteps was not only a poser, but a poser who couldn’t generate original or entertaining shit at all. At least the rest of you (minus BDD and Captain Caveman), attempt to make interesting shit up. I’m glad he’s dead. Fuck em. Get em’ out.