The 10 NFL Players Most Likely To Be Gay, Part I

Gayness is strictly verboten in NFL locker rooms. Well, I mean, apart from butt slapping. Oh, and hugging. And gang showers. And popping champagne bottles so that they gush all over your teammate in one glorious stream. Otherwise, the NFL definitely stands for NO FAGS LINEBACKING! (UM: If only you knew what Terry Tate was up to behind closed doors)

But if you go by statistics (I think it’s 1 in 10, which means one tenth of me is fucking flaming), the NFL has its share of gay players. Only a choice few, including former Viking and erstwhile Chili’s spokesman Esera Tuaolo, even came out AFTER their careers were over. “Career” being a loosely defined term here.

But at KSK, we’re not afraid to tackle topics that are taboo. Or topics that used to be taboo, only to become passé, and then taboo once more amongst all the passé people of the world. We know gay. We’re five men running a blog together. It gets no gayer than that. We’re like the Queer Eye Fab Five. I’d be Ted. He knows wine. Caveman would be Jai, the useless dipshit who makes the Straight Guy string together seashell necklaces for his wife.

(Captain Caveman: I’m Jai? Ouch. Well, I guess it could be worse. UM is totally Carson.)

(UM: I think I just thew up in Bill Simmons’s mouth. And just for the record, I’d put my passion for the vino up against anyone in the blogosphere…not that there’s anything wrong with it.)

So here’s your scientific study of 10 NFL players who, if drunk, would say to Suzy Kolber, “You know what? I do not wish to kiss you, Suzy Kolber. Nor do I wish to buy your ghetto-ass Chevy truck. I do care if the team is strugggggling, because there is some hot ass out on that field.”

1. Terrell Owens
This is obvious. Lots of people say Owens performs touchdown dances. That’s wrong. Acting out scenes with only a football as your prop isn’t dance. It’s mime. And you know where mime comes from? France. And you know where gayness comes from? That’s right, TO. Alienate all the teammates you want. We know it’ll never hide your secret love of having red-hot, Francophilic buttsex while imagining you’re trapped inside a box.

2. Jeff Garcia
We all know this has been rumored. But really, is there anything even remotely exciting about Jeff Garcia coming out of the closet? Is he anywhere near flamboyant enough? Flipper Anderson would turn over in his grave.

3. Brett Favre
What do all white gay men do when they approach middle age? That’s right. They shave their heads. Oh, I know Favre said he was just “supporting his wife,” but the novelty of that wore off a long time ago, my friends. You don’t get the kind of gushing praise Favre gets without taking Peter King on a fishing trip (in Kiln, Mississippi! Did you know that’s where Brett is from? He’s from Kiln!), and giving him a whole new definition of the term “beat writer.”

4. Donovan McNabb
Every gay couple I’ve known (and I have known oceans of them) consists of a queen and a straight man. And McNabb takes that high, straight road so well. Why did TO dump him? I have a feeling McNabb’s dickdo had something to do with it. What’s a dickdo, you ask? Well, it’s when your belly sticks out further than your dickdo.

5. Jamal Lewis
Hey, I didn’t say the people on this list had to be gay on purpose.

We’ll do Part II after I’m done gallivanting around training camps in my best latex outfit. (UM: I can’t wait until your kids are old enough to read this)

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